I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
