I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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