On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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