The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
This toilet bowl is my home.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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