why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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