Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
