Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
