just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
