Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
