True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
