highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
