just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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