forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
birth control should be required to get into college
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
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