walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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