wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
