You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
