It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i came on her dog
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
whose parrot is this?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
