I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
