Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
