He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
