Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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