i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I believe in your delicious
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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