An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Two words: blizzard sex
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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