If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
