I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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