Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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