I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
