i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
