Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Randomize
