i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
