I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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