Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
