Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
