Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
