My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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