so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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