I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
