I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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