Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
