Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
