I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
