Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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