i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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