Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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