For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Randomize
