I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
