Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
So many bounce houses so little time
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
