Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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