Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
