Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
