I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
